Sex and the brain
The brain is our most important organ when it comes to sex and pleasure. It controls our emotions, sensations and bodily reactions to arousal and attraction, and without it, there would be no horniness at all. When you get aroused, the brain's pleasure center is activated. Signals such as dopamine and endorphins are released, creating feelings of well-being, tingling and pleasure. At the same time, the brain sends signals to the rest of the body: blood flow increases, skin becomes more sensitive, breathing faster and touch more intense.
All our senses: touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste, are processed in the brain and can be turned into fuel for the horniness. The brain also helps to interpret which impressions and feelings are perceived as sexual, being tickled by a partner may be experienced as very intimate and arousing but being tickled by a colleague at work may not evoke the same reaction.
Spontaneous or responsive desire
Sexual arousal can be triggered by pure thought, for example when you fantasize about something that makes you horny. Some may feel more spontaneous desire where the horniness appears when you are just thinking or expecting pleasure. For others, the desire needs to be built up more slowly, for example through images, fantasies, touching or making out. This is often called responsive pleasure and only occurs when the brain is reminded of what we find hot or in response to pleasure.
All brains work differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel pleasure. For some, desire comes more spontaneously and for others it needs some time and thought to be activated, it varies from person to person, and can also change over time. One tip is to think about how your desire works, does it kick in quickly or does it need something extra to get going?
When the brain messes up
The brain can also cause problems, sometimes the horniness comes out when it is least convenient. Other times you wish you could get sexually aroused when your horny brain seems to be at a standstill. Many sexual problems such as decreased desire, erectile dysfunction or lack of lubrication are often due to something in the brain or thoughts putting the brakes on the pleasure system. How you feel in general, both mentally and physically, also affects your ability to feel desire and horniness.
However, not wanting to have sex is not necessarily a sign that you are unwell, sex drive can vary over time and is dependent on many different things. Some medication also affects our sex drive, for example, it is not uncommon for people taking antidepressants to lose their sex drive when they start taking the medication. A major block to sexual function can be feelings of anxiety about HIV, shame, performance anxiety or nervousness, which can lead to erectile dysfunction or lack of desire, among other things. Worries about not being able to get an erection or not having enough desire can sometimes create a vicious circle where it increases stress and performance anxiety, which in turn can make it harder to relax or feel pleasure. Thoughts and feelings about sex also affect the ability to feel pleasure and enjoy sex.
Tips to boost your appetite:
- Let go of the press: horniness thrives best without stress. Try to put performance requirements aside and focus on enjoying the moment.
- Do not force it: Sometimes the desire is not there, even though we may want to have sex. In that case, don't force the desire but focus on doing something else instead, maybe a little cuddling or making out is enough.
- Feel your body - take time for touch, breathing and relaxation and explore what feels good on your own. When you're present, it's easier for your brain to respond to sexy signals.
- Communicate - talk to your partner about what feels good and what does not. Safety and honesty give the brain better conditions to let go.
