When sex becomes an achievement
At its best, sex should be about pleasure, intimacy and playfulness. But it's easy to get caught up in thoughts like "How do I look?", "Am I sexy enough?", "Does my partner like what I do?".
It's easy to start streamlining our sex lives, trying to be the 'perfect' lover, the one who always wants to, always has the energy and always gets a hard-on. But when sex becomes something we have to manage rather than something we feel and experience, desire can diminish. It can also lead to anxiety and negative thoughts about our own bodies or abilities. When the focus shifts from the experience to 'doing it right', pleasure risks taking a back seat.
Performance anxiety and the body
Sexual performance anxiety can lead to difficulties with erection, difficulty coming or low sex drive. Stress, anxiety or fear of failure can cause the body not to react as we want it to - even if the horniness is there. It becomes a vicious circle: failure once creates anxiety for the next time, which increases the risk of new problems. Unreasonable expectations of sexual performance or negative thoughts and feelings towards the body often get in the way of horniness.
Research shows that around one in four men experience sexual performance anxiety to some degree. For many, this is linked to strong notions of masculinity, where sexual ability - particularly erection and penetration - is seen as evidence of manhood. Therefore, when the erection does not work as desired, it can feel like more than 'a problem in bed' - it can feel
Breaking the performance spiral
There are ways to reduce the pressure and find your way back to enjoyment:
- Focus on the experience - what feels good, what turns you on, rather than the 'result'.
- Explore beyond penetration - caressing, oral sex, kissing and toys can be just as hot.
- Talk about expectations - with your partner, friends or in conversation with a professional.
- Review your lifestyle - stress, lack of sleep, drugs and alcohol affect your body more than you think.
- Seek support if you need it - sexologists, counselors or doctors can help both with practical advice and to relieve feelings of anxiety.
Sex is not a competition
The most important thing to remember is that sex is not a performance to be judged. Good sex is not about living up to a standard, but about having a good time - alone or together. When we let go of the pressure, we can discover what sex is really about: pleasure, play, intimacy and enjoyment.
